10 Years & Unsolicited Advice

Marriage advice from someone who makes mistakes daily

Oct 04, 2024

Walther and I celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary today, and I wanted to share ten pieces of advice I've received or what I would offer to anyone who is newly married or in need of a bit of encouragement. Marriage is wonderful. It gets a terrible rep in the media, and entertainment. For some reason, the idea of having a joy-filled, stable marriage is portrayed as a unicorn. Believe me, that's so far from the truth. Here are ten things that have proven true in our marriage and have helped us have a wonderful marriage thus far.

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1. We are a team

It's tough to depend on a spouse when the culture tells us not to. But marriage is just that. Always working together, building each other up, and creating a life together. Having each other’s back is KEY. I recently had a beloved person insinuate something negative and untrue about Walther. I had to address it head-on and kindly explain that they could not speak about my husband that way. It's okay to have a trusted friend to vent to when marriage gets hard. It's not okay to talk poorly about our spouse or let anyone else do that behind their back. You are a team.

2. Don't keep score

There is no invisible scoreboard. We don't need to tally how many times we have changed a diaper. It doesn't matter who cooks more. We don't need to keep a running tab of who made the bed. The moment we start to keep score, we are always on the losing end. TRUST ME. It will only breed bitterness and resentment. If something in your marriage isn't working, talk about it, come up with a plan, and move on.

3. R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Conflict is going to happen. That is just a part of marriage. However, yelling, name-calling, physically hurting one another, or manipulative behavior is never okay. Learn to fight fair. This podcast episode really put many things in context for me and helped me approach conflict in a more loving way. Speaking kindly and patiently with one another is extremely important. Once disrespect becomes the norm, it's a very difficult habit to break.

4. Spend time with mentor couples

Finding couples that are older than us and have marriages we admire has been amazing. They have so much insight, wisdom, and encouragement to share. They also help put things into perspective. They have adult children and share the challenges that can come with that phase of life. It helps me stay in the present and savor this time with our young children. It also shows me that when you prioritize God and your spouse, you can have a beautiful marriage later in life.

5. Go on dates

I could write an essay about this. But here is the short version: your spouse needs you to lavish them with time. They need to know how loved and valued they are. Walther and I always tell the kids that we go on dates because one day they will leave us for their own lives, but Mom and Dad are for one another for life. Your spouse is your person. Give them the gift of your undivided attention.

6. Be intimate

I'm gonna keep this one simple so you don't blush too much: be as intimate as you can be, as frequently as you can. If there are issues here, please address them. You and your spouse deserve intimacy.

7. Have fun together

No one makes me laugh more than my husband. Sometimes, I cannot breathe because I'm laughing so hard. Life with kids is wonderful but can be draining and, sometimes, very defeating. Having fun together helps to alleviate that stress and keeps that youthful love between you alive. Watching your favorite show together, playing a game, or going to a concert, these things are really helpful.

8. Talk

Every morning, Walther and I discuss the rundown of the day. We keep one another up to date with the happenings of the day so that we can help one another. Walther is an engineer and sometimes he needs to talk out his work issues to figure out solutions. Sometimes, I feel like Charlie Brown, and he's my teacher, and I have no idea what he's talking about about. I just listen and let him talk. My parents didn't talk about anything for 25 years. Imagine no one’s surprise when their marriage ended. Talk about it all.

9. Celebrate the sacraments

Go to Mass weekly and confession as often as needed. We have built in the habit of regularly going to confession and have found that we are living in some serious grace. Which, to be honest, we really need when our 3-year-old decides to create art on our wall with a permanent marker....again.

10. The only one who can fix your marriage is God, and you

Counseling and therapy are fine; I'm not saying they are bad. What I am saying is that no one is going to do the work for you. If you have a seriously damaged marriage, God is the ultimate healer. Finding resources and encouragement that have God at the center are the best ways to bring about healing. If you have explosive anger, your spouse cannot fix that for you. If your spouse is disconnected, they are the only ones who can bring about the change needed to reconnect. We get to choose how we respond and what we will work on for our marriage and ourselves.

I have learned a lot more and received much more invaluable advice, but these 10 are the ones I constantly come back to. Marriage is a work in progress, and whether we are homeschooling or planning a trip, Walther and I always need to be on the same page. Our marriage takes precedence over everything but God.

The Joyful Dwelling