I recently had a conversation with one of my best friends about the difficulty of Lent. She was sharing the challenge of sticking to something, inevitably not following through because life happens, and arriving at the end of Lent feeling like a failure. Her comment struck me because she is working on her cosmetology license, raising her children with her husband, and is currently pregnant WITH THEIR 7TH BABY. I laughed and said: “Your life is Lent.”
Granted, this isn't my way of saying that we shouldn't observe Lent if we are in a difficult stage of life. However, it DOES mean that Lent is about relationship, and everything we do during Lent is to grow in our relationship with Jesus. It's not about the doing, although DOING something can be good. The goal isn't to check something off your list. It is about encountering Jesus intimately. That may mean your Lent as a parent looks differently. Maybe you can't go to daily Mass or fast from coffee, but that does not imply you can't enter into Lent fully.
When we had three kids in 3 years, I had to reframe how I pursued holiness. Being constantly pregnant, especially during Lent, felt penitential. I am not someone who loves being pregnant, although there are a lot of beautiful aspects to it. I felt so exhausted chasing two toddler boys around while hugely pregnant that every day felt sacrificial in a tangible way–the idea of waking up earlier to pray or remembering to read a devotional felt daunting. But over time, I've recognized that offering my little daily struggles throughout the day helped me encounter the living God. For a couple of years, I chose 40 people and wrote their names on my calendar. Then, each morning, I would look at the calendar and pray for them throughout the day, offering my little annoyances. If I missed a day, I added them to the next day. One year, I decided to do a chore my husband usually did without telling him. Another time, I worked on my self-talk, and every time I started to berate myself for my shortcomings, I would stop and pray a Hail Mary instead. Those little things drew me closer to Jesus and made my Lent, dare I say it, bearable.
A word on success
Another aspect of my conversation with my friend was not achieving “success” during Lent. Getting to the end of Lent not having lived up to the original commitment, and thus feeling like that time was wasted and that she was a failure, was a concern for her. If you struggle with this feeling, I want to give you hope. The Christian life, with or without children, is a series of wins and losses. The walk up to Calvary is long, twisted, and messy, and Jesus was clear about that when He walked that road Himself.
Parenting is a series of trial and error, and marriage is the same. That is the way of it. I encourage you to consider looking at Lent as an opportunity to grow and embrace that growth might come about differently than you think. If I get to Easter and feel like I wasted Lent or did not fulfill my commitment to God, it allows me to seek God and ask honest questions about it. We cannot allow ourselves to become so discouraged by the fact that we will sometimes fail that we do not try at all.
We are in week 1 of Lent, and in about three weeks, this will feel like the longest Lent of my life. I know the temptation to whine and bellyache about the length of this holy season will be there. I am going to fight against that temptation, and I'm going to encourage you to do the same. We can journey together. Jesus is always with us. He is with us when we change that diaper, fold that laundry, make that meal, or cry in the bathroom because we are overwhelmed. Those moments can be a place of encounter. If you feel called to add more to your Lenten sacrifices, by all means, follow that calling. But if you're in the thick of living your Lent, your daily offering of love is more than enough.
The Joyful Dwelling is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
There are such wonderful Lenten essays and reflections on Substack! Thank you for writing this! My approach to Lent keeps changing as I get further into my parenting journey, and it’s showing me how God is beginning to answer my don’t-know-what-I’m-getting-myself-into prayers for humility. 😂
My primary resolution for Lent is to eat a healthy breakfast every day. But the reasoning behind it is that I find myself getting HANGRY with my children a few hours into the morning if I don’t. So in order to love my family, I’m (slowly) learning that I need to focus less on doing all the things for Lent and more on loving God and my family where I am in this season.