“What about socialization?” This is by far the most common question I get asked whenever someone finds out we homeschool our children. And honestly, it makes me chuckle every time. Some of the many reasons we chose to teach our children at home were to help cultivate a love for the Faith, a desire to learn, build our family culture, and help develop their character within the walls of our home. Another reason was to help curate their relationships with others so that when they socialize with other children, it can be in an environment where we know the families and their values—quality over quantity.
We are actively trying to preserve our children's innocence. Sometimes, when I say that, it annoys people. I get visceral reactions like, “You can't keep them in a bubble forever!” Preserving our children's innocence does not mean that we hide them away and never let them interact with others. It means that we are slowly exposing our children to the world, starting with faith, then wonder, then joy, and then everything else. I went to a tiny country school, and I was exposed to a lot of sexual terminology by other students, and it created a deep wound within me. We know we can't protect them from everything forever, but we are committed to preserving their innocence as long as possible. Once it's gone, it's gone forever.
A common trend I've noticed recently is that it seems that having a “mature” child is the mark of a “good” parent. If your child acts like an adult, you have succeeded! I don't understand the rush to make our children tiny adults. Kids have phones, access to the Internet, and endless amounts of social media platforms; they watch films meant for adults, and play video games that do nothing for the imagination, all in the name of “fitting in.” My honest question is: What's the rush? For example, when I was a kid, reading wasn't something that was taught until 1st or 2nd grade. Now, kindergarten children are learning to read, with zero benefits other than learning to read sooner. It doesn't make a child smarter, increase a love of reading, or give any measurable value to their education other than they can read to themselves. Which is not nothing, but that's an unnecessary pressure that we put on our kids, as well as ourselves. If they aren't reading by 1st grade, we feel like we are “behind,” and once you are behind your peers, it's challenging to catch up. I know because this happened to me.
Maturity will come with time; I don't see a reason to expedite it. Reading, much like emotional maturity, will come. I look at my childhood with sadness because that emotional maturity was forced on me; I did not have a say; my parents were not even aware that it had happened. I learned things from my peers that no child should know. Not all socialization is created equal.
Our choice also does not mean that we think traditional school is terrible. My husband and I both attended public school, and it was okay for both of us. We simply wanted something different for our children. And while the social aspect of traditional school is naturally built-in, we have to be more intentional about it. We attend parish events, participate in extracurriculars, and go on weekly library excursions, as well as play dates. We spend quality time with other families and hang out at the monthly mom's group. All of these provide the interaction they need right now.
The natural skills a child develops through socializing, like problem-solving, empathy, kindness, and conversation skills, are all things our children learn with one another every day. They also use those skills when we go to the museum, the grocery store, the park, and in their extracurriculars. Once, at the barber, our oldest son was talking to Mike (Walther and the kids barber) about the different proteins that make up hair follicles. Mike was stunned when our son told him hair was made of keratin. He said he had never spoken to a child about science before. We laughed because those stories are part and parcel of our family. Our children will talk to anyone who will listen about several topics, especially if we are learning about something of particular interest to them. They love to meet new people and share with others. They are comfortable seeking out the librarian or asking another adult a question. That is a direct result of our school choice.
When someone asks, “What about socialization?” What they may be asking is, “What if your kids end up being weird?” My response is: Think about every child you’ve encountered in all your social circles growing up. You probably knew a few kids who were called weird but were perhaps just unique and danced to the beat of their own drum. Chances are they were in a traditional school. If our kids are going to be weird, it will be because we are their weird parents, not because we homeschool.
Lastly, and most importantly, when people express concern about our children, the underlying issue is often, “What if they don't fit in?” To that, I say: Dear Lord, I hope they don't! Look, this world is not our home. In fact, we already stick out like a sore thumb just by being Catholic. We were not made to fit in but to be like Christ to those around us. I am not worried about them fitting in, being weird, or not being able to make small talk—although this is not really a problem today. Proficiency in conflict resolution, collaboration, critical thinking, public speaking, and emotional intelligence are all tools we are actively teaching our children in a myriad of settings because life is not lived with 20-30 people in your same age bracket day in and day out. We take all of that into consideration every day that we pull out our books or pile into the van for another adventure.
If you are worried about any of that socialization talk, just come and meet our kids. They will talk your ear off, insist you jump on the trampoline with them, and don't even think of giving our 6-year-old a microphone; he will make several 'very important' announcements about his birthday—which is in 10 months.
OK, questions for the week:
I'm currently reading “The Vanderbeekers of 151st Street” by Karina Yan Glaser, and it's so refreshing to see a family that gets along! What are you reading?
I just finished helping with a huge women's retreat, and it was wonderful! I enjoyed helping so much, but I am loving all the mental space I have now that the event is over. What is something you're loving right now?
What is a common concern you have about homeschooling that you would like me to address?
Any other topics you would like me to write about?
Thank you for this! As a kid, I always felt a bit “weird” regardless of what school I was in, and I attended private, public, and homeschool over the years. The years that I spent at home made me more comfortable in my weirdness (which, really, was just a tendency toward being bookish and more sensitive than some of my peers), so that I didn’t feel as much pressure to conform and cover my natural personality up when I shifted to attending public high school. And as I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that the traits that made me feel weird as a kid are actually gifts that have born fruit in adulthood!
How did you go about choosing curricula for your kids? I’m exploring that right now for our oldest, but I haven’t found a program that seems to fit just right. Do you pick and choose courses and materials from different places?
I grew up homeschooled and we're homeschooling our kid now, and this is quite true; I had to laugh about the announcements at the end. :) Our kiddo has never met a stranger, as they say, and is very excited to communicate to anyone that she is six going on seven! Also there is one more sleep until Halloween! Here endeth the announcements.