Eight Quick Years

Reflections on eight years of motherhood

Our oldest son was born early. He was due on February 21st but arrived on the 11th after a very long and loud labor. We opted to use the Bradley Method, which is a husband-coached birth with little to no medical interventions. Walther was such a fantastic coach, remaining calm when I was not. If he was afraid, he did not show it. And right when I thought I could not bear another second of pain, our little 6lb 12oz baby was born.

I had felt love before, but nothing prepared me for how quickly and with what force my heart grew that day. I remember Walther sleeping on the couch and me swaying our son in my arms that first night as I looked out the window over Phoenix. I whispered a prayer of thanksgiving over that baby and cried in gratitude for the gift of motherhood. We are eight years and three more kids later, and I still remember that moment with perfect clarity. While each baby has been an incredible blessing, Oliver has been my first motherhood experience. I can recall everything in much more detail.

I'm sharing eight things I've learned in 8 years of motherhood because this learning curve can be tricky. I also want to encourage you, especially if you're deep in baby/toddler trenches. Some days feel so slow, but suddenly, your oldest will be eight, and you'll be amazed at how far you've come.

1. Nothing is in my control

This has been the most painful lesson of all. I can control how I behave or the little details of our everyday day (for now), but overall, I control very little. Including (but not limited to) the rejection my children will experience, the hard lessons they will have to learn, or their mistakes. An honorable mention goes to not knowing how their lives will unfold. Prayer is my constant companion when this lack of control hits me square in the face.

2. My children don't belong to me

As much as I say, MY children, I’m slowly accepting that they are God's and God's alone. He is the one who will always be with them long after I am gone. Only He can satisfy the deepest longings of their hearts. And I need to place them in HIS hands, not clutch them to my chest like a treasure I found.

3. I'm going to make a lot of mistakes, and that's okay

I wish I could be the perfect parent. And before I had kids, I was. But after eight years of constant humiliation, I am finally embracing the fact that no matter what my intentions are, I will never be the perfect mom. The Lord knows me intimately, with all my flaws and shortcomings, and He entrusted them to me anyway, so all I can do is my best.

4. It's not a race

Walther and I got married in our 30s, later than a lot of my friends and most of my family, so I felt behind by the time we started having children. Now, I'm friends with many mothers who have kids the same age, and I see their kids doing things my kids aren't doing yet, and I think we are behind. This is not true, as there is simply no race. I kept comparing my situation to others and thinking: Why am I not there? Or, how come my child isn't (insert whatever they aren't doing yet)? And those feelings of 'being behind' caused anxiety. Prayer and discernment are helping me realize there is no race. We each have our path, and we will all walk it differently.

5. Don't judge another parent; you don't know how their toddler wore them down today

I always had strong opinions about parenting until our oldest was 19 months old and our second baby was born. Suddenly, restaurants, outings, parties, and Mass became significantly more challenging to navigate, and I could see why some parents approached parenting the way they did. If I see a frazzled parent trying to wrangle a toddler amid a level 10 tantrum, my heart only empathizes with them. I can recall all too well how difficult those moments can be. Heck, I just had one of those this morning.

6. Motherhood is just a series of letting go

I once heard this on a podcast, which struck a chord with me. From the moment our baby is placed in our arms, we begin the practice of letting that baby go. It will start small, letting them sleep in their crib, leaving them with a friend to go on a date, and letting them learn to crawl, even if it's away from you. Then, when they grow a little more, we let go of being able to hold them. Suddenly, we are letting go of that baby and have a toddler. We are letting go of being the ones who dress them or brush their teeth. We are letting go when they start school or a new activity that doesn't include us. That letting go continues as we let go of them as they enter puberty and want to be around us less and less. College, vocation, career, all of these good things require that we let them go. And boy, is that heartbreaking and wonderful all at the same time.

7. My marriage is the most essential aspect of child-rearing

The relationship between my husband and I is the foundation of a healthy home. If we are disconnected, our children are the first to suffer the consequences. I am constantly tempted to place motherhood above my husband, but my marriage has to come before my motherhood. Date nights, conversation, laughter, prayer, and connection are vital for our marriage. I can never neglect or grow complacent in my vocation with my husband.

8. Less is more

I grew up in California, where kids are expected to go to Disneyland at some point. I assumed we would take our kids. But when I approached Walther about it, complete with a budget, dates, and the best deals to get the most bang for our buck, Walther only asked one question: “Why?” My response: “Because everyone does it.”

I think most parents want to give their children more than they had growing up. I know I do, and although this is a noble desire, I'm learning that what my children need is love. They want to be in a relationship with my husband and me. Yes, toys are entertaining, and family trips are fun, but I don't need to worry about ensuring they have the latest and greatest. When I thought about his question, I realized that going to a packed amusement park, where we would end up in long lines with four children with vastly different temperaments and have to explain why they cannot have every single toy they see, sounded exhausting. 

Why would I put us through that? Because everyone does it. Sometimes, we feel pressure to do the thing. Soccer, dance, piano, buying the kids a phone or iPad, or taking them on lavish vacations because that is what other parents around us are doing. Or just for the sake of keeping up with the Joneses. But we don't have to do what others are doing. Every parent has to decide what benefits their children and their family. I had to be honest about my limitations and realize I wanted those things for the wrong reasons. That conversation with my very wise husband made me rethink my motivation and choices as a parent, and I'm very grateful for it.

You know what makes my kids happy? When we go bowling together, have friends over for dinner, go to the park, snuggle, and read aloud. Would they love a trip to Disneyland? Maybe. But that's not a need; it's a want, and there is a vast difference.

I've learned much more on this journey of motherhood, and I'm well aware I will continue to learn every day. I'm praying to remain open to the gentle promptings of the Lord and be the mother He wants me to be for the souls He has entrusted into my care. As we approach my son's 8th birthday, I know I will be required to let go of him more and more each day. I am making peace with that idea. I know I'll probably cry a little on his birthday, but at least there will be cake, so there's that.

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Share with me! 

• What are some things you've learned in your journey of parenting?

• What is a lesson that surprised you?

• What is something you swore you would 'never do' that you now do regularly?